The Inimitable John Quincy St. Clair

Mr. St. Clair, hard at work

No record of improbable patents would be complete without a JQ St. C patent, so let’s start there. Mr. St. Clair was a prolific filer-for-patents in the early years of the new millennium. I hesitate to call him an inventor, for reasons that will become apparent.

To help understand the kind of work that Mr. St. Clair did, consider the Hyperspace Torque Generator:

[0002] A human being is a hyperspace energy being residing in a physical body. Our energy is located in astral space has which has a very low velocity of light. In our four-dimensional spacetime universe where the physical body is located, the speed of light is enormous, equal to 299792458 meters per second. In astral space, on the other hand, the speed of light is much lower, resulting in a low density (0.03 to 0.07 kg) energy being that has the ability to move through solid concrete walls as well as interpenetrate the watery human body and control its movements.

Paragraph 2. It goes on.

I would honestly love to quote the whole thing at you, but I think that is enough to give you the flavor. Consider the rest of the specification extra credit.

Naturally, Mr. St. Clair did not receive a patent for his invention. The Examiner stated: Upon careful review of the application and its contentions, it is the Examiner’s position that one of ordinary skill in the art would not consider the invention credible. For example, the assertion that hyperspace energy can enter our time-space universe and be directed through the hands of the user to create an oscillating body torque is not deemed to be credible.

The rest of John Quincy St. Clair’s patents met similar ends, being directed to similarly implausible technologies. The world was, perhaps, not ready for the cavitating oil hyperspace energy generator, the chi energy amplifier, or the walking through walls training system. We cannot know what his goals were in sharing these doomed ideas with us, nor why he stopped. But we know his address, and we can be satisfied in knowing that he was filing his patent applications mere steps from the beautiful Caribbean waters of Puerto Rico.

US Pat. Pub. 2006/0014125, Fig. 3: Carved wooden statue of San Martin de Porres who could walk through solid wooden doors.

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